Friday, March 31, 2006

Pet peeves in Pittsburgh

I haven't had a whole lot to say recently (hold your applause, please) so I thought I'd just rattle off some of the local things that really raise my blood pressure:

Revolving doors
I'm on my way into PPG Place for lunch and I'm the only one pushing to keep the revolving door moving. The next time some tie-wearing twit enters the revolving door and doesn't pull his weight, I'm going to let go of the handle and watch him slam his nose off the glass. This is just one example of society's ever-widening departure from common courtesy.

Passing lanes
For the love of Christ, people! The left lane on any highway (and Rt. 28 in particular) is there for only one reason - PASSING. If you are toddling along over there and there's no one in front of you and a herd of cars behind, chances are real good that you are the reason we have traffic reports on the radio every ten minutes. Get the hell out of the way! I'm not above high beams, the horn or even a vertical digit aimed in your direction. If only grille-mounted machine guns were legal...

The 'Pittsburgh Left Turn'
I can understand that you're in a hurry, and I really feel for you. However, turning in front of me as the light goes green will likely get you a honk at the very least and some foreign paint on your car at the worst. Yes, I know, you'll be sitting there waiting for the rest of us who have THE RIGHT OF WAY but you'll be guaranteeing your own personal safety if you just take a deep breath, relax and wait for an opening. Really.

I don't care what race, creed, color or level of education you have. If you pronounce it 'Picksburgh' in my vicinity you will get a hairy eyeball and perhaps my verbal estimation of your level of intelligence. The same goes for just about any street-level misuse of our language. And don't even think about 'axing' me a question. You'll be greeted with a blank stare or maybe the finger.

Spend a little more time buying your clothes
I saw a DHL delivery employee running up the steps of a local building at lunch time. He had a package in one hand while the other hiked his pants up no less than three times in seven steps. I know you think it's cute to have your boxers exposed in the back but isn't it a pain in the ass to have to pull your pants up every three steps? If nothing else, buy a goddammned belt.

What's that thing on your head?
A while back I was stepping out of my car in the Giant Eagle parking lot when a teenager got out of the riced-up Acura that had just pulled into the space in front of me. His hat was on sideways with the brim inverted and pointing skyward. As his girlfriend exited the car, he asked me what I was looking at, as if his 17-year-old machismo was any match for mine. I replied that it was obvious that his hat had come with out proper directions, to which his girlfriend howled in laughter. The poor lad was crushed. He'll probably be doing 3 to 5 for grand larceny soon as I think I stripped him of any self-respect he may have had to that point.

Monday, March 13, 2006

If I never win the lottery

I'll settle for this:

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.

Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.

Now why can't stuff like that ever happen to me?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Today's WTF?! photo

I don't know what's more troubling - this woman's hairdo or the fact that the U.S. Postal Service is considering a 63¢ stamp.

I don't care who the stamp honors. Who is going to be using the U.S. Postal Service by then? I mail three bills a month. The rest are paid online. If I start getting my bills online, I'll be able to remove that unsightly mailbox at the end of my driveway and replace it with something that can keep my empty garbage can from rolling into the street.

I wonder how long it will be before my garbage can be picked up online...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Oh the years have been unkind

I got just one question: What the hell happened to Eddie Van Halen?!?!

I guess Valerie must have put a physical, mental and spiritual hurtin' on the poor fellow. Either that, or David Lee Roth has some sort of special equipment at his radio show booth than can suck your will to live.